i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
