I must be too annoying 4 u.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
