So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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