Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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