I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
