I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
