Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
