Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
