I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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