I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
