The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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