Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
