at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
