I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
