For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
ttyl tear gas
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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