I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
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