I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
