It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
