Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
a search helicopter?!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
