I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
