you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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