i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
