we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
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Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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