i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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