She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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