What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
