Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
