I faked an abortion last night.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
