I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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