accomplished twins. life is a go
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So many bounce houses so little time
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
