Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
