I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i dont even know how to be here
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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