you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
