In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
