I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
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There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
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Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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