My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
