Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
