Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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