We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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