I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
