your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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