Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
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