Where is the hickey?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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