I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
