I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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