I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
