I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
