I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
