i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
