Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
