Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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