He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
