Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
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You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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