I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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