This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
