it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
