I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
