If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
