you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
