Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
