Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
