do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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